Letting go...

Confession - as much as I loved physically being pregnant (really, really, really loved it), I hated the emotional/mental side of the process. I was so often wrought with worry. I had to vow to put down all pregnancy books (but of course, good ol'Google was always there to entice me to the dark side!) so that I wouldn't find another thing to be worried about. I'm sure we can attribute a good 50% of this anxiousness to the miscarriage, but the other 50% - if I'm honest, that's just all me. I've never been the positive-chakra-energy-flow-optimistic-lookonthebrightside kind of person. I over-think things for a hobby. (Note to self- find a new hobby.) All this to say, there were times where it was tough and I remember thinking what relief I would have when he was here. When he was finally here and healthy - then I'd be super!

Oh, pregnant-self if you only knew how much worse it would be with the child OUTSIDE rather than IN. Hahahaha - how little I knew. My anxiety only worsened after Tobin was born and I've surprised myself with just how paranoid I can be...for example, for the first few weeks of his life I was convinced he had a fever. Absolutely positive he had a fever. I can't wait to share with this boy just how many times his mom took his temperature (ahem, in the booty) just to make sure he hadn't spiked a fever. Turns out this boy just runs warm to the touch - as do I, so I should have known better. He is half mine, right?

I remember telling a friend, that while Tobin was wonderful and easy, I wasn't prepared for how inept I would feel. All of a sudden you have this amazing and beautiful boy - YOUR boy - and you're so intrinsically connected and concerned with his well-being that in the beginning it's very hard to make sense of all the emotions you have the second after their arrival. I mean - I've never worried about other people's bowel movements, have you? I'm guessing and hoping not! But now - NOW - I can rattle off all the statistics of the day to you in rapid fire. 3-greenish/yellow, seedy, and slightly grainy.

And the day and age in which we're raising children doesn't help, right? I think we can all admit that there's an enormous amount of pressure on parents today to navigate the ridiculous amount of information heaped upon them when it comes to breastfeeding v. bottle-feeding, hitting milestones, growth charts, vaccinations, healthcare choices, independent play, cloth diapering v. disposables...I mean the list goes on and on. How did we manage before?

What's been fabulous is for as crazy as I can be - Ty is the opposite. There are no problems until a problem is actually there - I mean you could lather Tobin in honey and set him in a bear cave and Ty would think all was fine until a bear actually licked Tobin in the face. Obviously, this is a slight exaggeration, but you get my point. And I'm sure this is a good thing, because lord help us if there were TWO of me raising Tobin.

All this to say - that in my crazy-research and trying to make sure Tobin is as safe as possible I researched like a gazillion monitors. We wound up going with the monitor that not only monitors sounds but monitors MOVEMENT. And there's a little pendulum that swings back and forth that means your baby is breathing - maybe I've fallen asleep watching the pendulum... Well, Tobin is to the age now where he rolls back to front and front to back - we're mobile in a major way all of a sudden - so that means he sleeps on his tummy (AGHH, but Back is Best!), but you know what - there's nothing I can do. So, I found great comfort in the monitor. Well, about two weeks ago it gave us a false alarm. Which means the dang thing made this alarm to signal that there was no movement. You've never seen me fly out of bed so fast. Only to arrive at his crib and to see his chest rise and fall peacefully. Then the false alarm went off again that same night. We adjusted the sensitivity thinking that maybe because the air conditioning was running more often that perhaps that was messing with the monitor...then last night - AGAIN. But this time it didn't just wake me, it woke Tobin too.

So you know what guys, I turned the whole thing off. Tobin is in the room next door. I can hear him just as loud and clear as I could if I just had a monitor that produced sound. Crazy-me would never have thought I could sleep without the monitor on and on full volume - but I did. I slept soundly. Till Tobin woke up with a poopy diaper at five am, but I think I'm learning. Learning little by little that letting go of those fears, that will always be there because I love him SO STINKING MUCH, is only going to help the both of us be more at peace as we find our way together.

 

And because everything is better with pictures - here's Tobin illustrating just how good he is at letting go as he went swinging for the first time!