Wednesday, February 23, 2011


I really have lots of updates...but then I stumbled across these pictures on my camera and I thought...we're awesome. I love my crazy family. I took NONE of these pictures...apparently this is what happens when I relinquish the camera duties...

Sunday, February 6, 2011

No Scarlet Letter

I’ve heard it said that pregnancy and having a baby inducts you into the “club.” There are all sorts of clubs for us women of childbearing age - the “new mommy” club, the “SAHM club”, the “full-time career and motherhood club”, even the “I’m not a freak, I just don’t want to have kids club” each with its own corresponding highs and lows. Towards the lower rung of such groups is the “miscarriage” club. And well, wouldn’t you know it - I never was the cool kid in school - I joined that club this last week. Let me tell you - not so fun this club. It’s full of loss, betrayal, shame, unanswered questions and prayers, and a whole lot of pain. Physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. Plenty to go around in each category.

But this isn’t about the sadness and emptiness I feel right now - instead I’m struggling more with the idea of the “shame” of it all. Why is there any shame at all?

It’s estimated that roughly 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, but the topic itself is (among most) a very dark secret and only shared on the occasion that one encounters another who’s just lost their pregnancy. BUT let me tell you - there are HOARDS of people online in message forums sharing stories back and forth, like hundreds of pages worth. It kind of blew my’s like this dark underbelly of a secret society of women who only feel comfortable sharing intimate details with complete strangers under the cloak of anonymity.

And maybe this all makes sense. But then on the other hand, I think there’s more to the situation here. I think as women we are constantly battling the judgement we feel may come from other women when it comes to all matters of reproductive health/prosperity/ability. And this doesn’t apply solely to miscarriage either - I’ve seen this quiet “shame” play out in many forms...for the woman who never miscarries but can’t conceive without the help of modern science...or the woman who can’t carry full-term on her own and depends on medical assistance...or even something so simple as the woman who has a c-section when all else fails despite her best attempts at a natural delivery.

If in the end you have the healthy baby - wasn’t the path to get there worth it? And really, isn’t that what a miscarriage is part of too? No, you sadly don’t get to make to the end with the grand prize, but it’s still all part of your body’s natural way of trying to achieve a healthy baby - it doesn’t make you less capable of bringing a baby into the world and it’s a step towards the right direction - with a detour. A painful detour, yes, but only a detour if you’re dedicated to being a mother.

When we received the news that our pregnancy wouldn’t make it full-term, there were only a few calls to be made to share the sad news - we had really only announced the pregnancy to our family circles. So it may seem very counter intuitive to share such news here, but today I was hit with this feeling of how refreshing it would be if every woman were so forthcoming. Wouldn’t it be nice to know that in addition to having X kids, that same woman also experienced X miscarriages? My mom for example has five kids - but along the way she had three miscarriages. There is no stigma further associated with the miscarriages past, no burning scarlet letter emblazoned on her chest - in my mom’s eyes her family is perfect and she has the exact children she always wanted.

Please don’t get me wrong - the pain associated with a miscarriage is deep and wide. I hope I’m not conveying it as anything otherwise. But there should be no shame involved. We, as women, have a great and wondrous responsibility to bear when we decide to step into these murky waters called “having a baby.”

So having said more than enough this time around, it’s my turn to be forthcoming - Hi, my name is JuliAnna and I’ve just had a miscarriage. I hope for three children in the future and I’m well on my way.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Show and Tell

I've been giving this lil ol'blog here of mine some serious thought over the last few weeks...which I know sounds silly given how light my postings are - I have yet to break 100 posts in the course of three years.

True story. I just did the math.

Much of what I post is a show and tell of sorts - only showing the "fun" and "new." But life isn't always fun and often it's the same old routine, with nothing new to report, which leaves me empty-handed. And it's hard to evaluate what kind of blog you want to have - what's the "face" you want to show to the world. (And I know my "world" is limited to maybe three readers, my mom included, but that doesn't mean this still isn't public and available for more to see should ever that be the case...)

I have so much respect for the bloggers out there who write EVERYTHING, and it's honest, and even sometimes makes you feel uncomfortable, like you know way more about them than you should... See here, here, and here. Now please don't interpret this shift in direction as my thinking I'm going to reach the heights of the bloggers above which I referenced, nor is it even an attempt to come close. More or less, it's that I really love writing and this self-indulgent blogging platform - well it really fits the bill.

So, there's going to be a lot of posting in the future...and many of those days may have posts that are uncomfortable and personal, but I think writing will help me through them. And, right now I'm thinking of turning off comments per the nature of the post, because I'm not looking for affirmation, I'm really just talking out-loud. But I think that God is really taking me through something and I do believe that when all is said and over with, I'm going to want to remember the finer details and see how it shaped me and made me better a wife, friend, mother*, how it made me and Ty a stronger couple, how it changed my perspective, and how it moved my faith.

So get ready for a lot less show and a lot more tell.

*speaking for the future here.